I am my best person when I have less on my plate

I went browsing through the blog’s archives, old blogspot and xangga. Going through them really made me feel….blank. I felt nothing. I expressed no real thoughts or opinions in any of the posts. So what was the point of blogging? All I saw were stupid unsubstantial posts with empty nothings.

I’ve always been a fairly private person. I hate the idea of people judging me. From the way I dress, to the way I write complementary with all my spelling and grammatical mistakes and what not. I guess that’s why I have never really taken blogging too seriously and really never attempted to try sitting still (long enough) to write a proper post. Not one just with frivolous pictures, but a real post where I actually genuinely penned down my thoughts. I know that by choosing to pen my thoughts down on this blog I put myself in a position up to be judged by the public (more like the few people that actually read this still). HAH!

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I want to stop caring. I don’t want to always have to second guess myself before posting up a post because I’m afraid that people will think I’m a bad writer or that my thoughts are lame….

No matter how hard I will try to convince myself, to tell myself that I DO NOT care about people judging me, a little part of me will still be afraid to take that leap. I mean it’s just blogging, not like I’m publishing a memoirs of my life, but it’s still a big deal to me. That’s just so me. I’m a second guesser. I’m not a gambler, and I am a very private person. I’m the type of person that would rather conform than be the odd ball that sticks out. So I guess the point I’m trying to make is that I am going to attempt blogging. Not blogging as in posting up photos and writing a few lines here and there, but blogging more vocally. (Is that the right term?).

Baby steps….I am going to take baby steps with this whole blogging thing. Let’s hope it all goes well.

So here it goes.

Well, I just realized that I have about reached that time in my life where I should know what I want out in life. But I don’t. What do I want to be? Where do I see myself in say five years time? Will I be studying for my undergraduate still? Will I be doing my post-grad? Will I be employed? Will I be married? (yikes to that one). Most importantly will I be happy? I wish I had the answers to all these questions so that I can finally head into a direction that will lead me closer to what I’m supposed to be, which frankly I don’t know.

I feel so lost. I don’t even know whether I’m still in the position to be able to change my mind if say I suddenly had an epiphany of what I really wanted out in life. What if I wanted to be a chef. Can I still be a chef cause I’m already a quarter way through to getting my business degree. It feels like it’s too late to change my mind. By the way I do not want to be a chef, I was just speaking hypothetically.

I have been having on and off problems with sleeping and I guess it just feels as though there’s this huge burden on me but I don’t know how to get rid of it. I really need to make up my mind.

Why am I like this? Everybody seems to be fine with having to make this huge decision of choosing what path they want to go down. See what I meant by me being a second guesser. I always second guess everything. It’s so annoying. I’m even second guessing why I want to go to the states to finish off my degree.

As far as I could remember I have always wanted to further my studies in the States. But I never really thought about why. Now that I’m older and can think for myself I’m wondering why. The country is in such bad economic shape now and the exchange rate is getting higher and higher, is it still a good idea to go there? I know nobody that will be going to the same place as me so I’ll be all alone in god knows what state. I really don’t know. And the part about guns. I’m not going to lie to you; I am shit afraid of the guns and violence. Are all these images of gun violence we see in the movies fictionalized? I don’t know when I should transfer. This Fall? Next Spring? When is the best time? Should I consider going to Canada or Australia? I don’t know what to do anymore. What if I make the wrong decision?

All I know is that I want to finish my course at Sunway as soon as I can, but I might have to stay longer than I planned to. It’s so stupid. I still have a finance paper that I should take here in Malaysia so that I’ll save my parent’s money instead of taking it in the States but they only offer that paper in August. Sigh, sigh, sigh

Am I the only one feeling like this? The feeling of not knowing what you want is really so unsettling.

Listening to: It Means Nothing by Stereophonics

A New Beginning



Hi ppl :) We have officially moved our blog here.

After much delay, we've finally decided to start anew in blogspot. We've grown and matured since starting our xanga blog and I guess it's time for a fresh start :)

Here's to the new place where we'll spill our verbal diaorrhea, bitch, rant, and throw all our thoughts and emotions along with pictures of course.:) Our post just won't be complete without that now, will it?;)

Enjoy reading!

Love loads,

Yien & Cheryl